Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Hey There, It's me again. Just passing through!
Hope your day has been completely DELIGHTFUL.
I just wanted to share with you a poem that I wrote for my daughter Janiyah
a couple of years back. I was having a moment and I just wanted and needed to write,
to her, as if she was already an adult reading it.  I realized that whatever you're feeling at that moment, right then and there, if your Inspired to do it and it feels explosive and Sacred,
 then, by all means  DO IT!

 Enjoy, Embrace, be Enlightened
Thanks for sharing my Imagination with me.

What I desire for Janiyah

My dearest Janiyah, 
I want you to remember
I want you to grow
I want you to challenge
I want you to know 
I want you to dance
I want you to write
I want you to elevate
And be out of site
I want you to sing
I want you to cry
I want you be spiritual
Reach, stretch, and climb high 
I want you to give love
Without questions or reason
I want you to know victory
It comes in an unknown season
I want you to know, my daughter,
That my heart you have forever
I want you find no doubt in my word
No, please, not ever 
I want you to be fabulous
For there is no other state of mind
I want you to conquer the world
And always, always be kind 
I want you to be elegant
Strut your stuff like a Queen
I want you to be tolerant
Find no reasons to be mean 
I want you to set your standards
To be so very high
That even a soaring bird would think
‘Oh me, oh me, oh my’ 
Janiyah, stand firm, and please ‘never be defeated’ because
Life is guaranteed to come apart every now and then 
Just know that, with UNSHAKEABLE FAITH, love, and a trusting heart
you’re always going to grow stronger, and accomplish an amazing Win
With unconditional and infinite love,
Your mommy, 
 Mildred Armesia Elizabeth 'Missie' Shealey 
(yes, that is really my whole name)

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Divorce and Devastation continued...

There had been rumors going around that Lamont's death could have been prevented. All the kids n the pool reportedly had said that there were three lifeguards in the pool but they wouldn't respond when the kids start screaming. They supposedly played it off as a joke. My brother's life, a joke, wow! It later was confirmed that there had been three, count 'em one-two-three lifeguards in the pool at the time of Lamont's death. One reportedly was too engaged in flirting with the young girls in the pool. The other was possibly elevated on marijuana and I guess everything was 'irie' for him and the third lifeguard was too busy too care and basically unresponsive.

This confirmation made Lamont's passing even more devastating than before.  To know that the stupid ass people put in charge of the safety of your loved ones, didn't give a flying fuck one way or another.
Needless to say, this was not only a very dismal time for me because of my brother's untimely death, but another death was also occurring.  My parents had finalized their divorce a week before Christmas. Merry Christmas right!? They were separated and living apart during the time of Jason's death. Myself and my 5 other siblings lived with my father and Lamont lived with my mother. I was really hoping that it was a joke when my mother moved out, so I refused to go with her. I was hoping that she would say 'APRIL FOOL'S, and move her stuff back in. But she never did. Life had become painfully ugly.
 I longed for someone to stop the world so that I could get off of it. I called out for 'Scotty' to beam me up but sadly, he never did. I often wondered what the point of my continued existence was.
 If it was going to constantly be so excruciating and bitterly brutal, then I might as well turn in my faith badge immediately because, you know what, I  was fresh out! I had none, zero, zilch!

For the next two years, my 'cottonie and cushy' life became a mere pile of broken glass. I despised 'happy'. I was absolutely jealous of all families that had two parents still married and living in the same household. I proudly and without fail hated, hated and hated, ceasing any signs of love relieving me from my deep black hole of life that I had voluntarily dug for myself to wallow in.

Chapter Two - Divorced and Devastated

Tis the season to be jolly for most, but for me, I wish that time could just stand still and everyone would just disappear, poof be gone.  It had only been five months since Jason passed, but it still felt like it was just yesterday.  We came to find out later that there was a suction in the deep end of the pool and Lamont had got caught up in the suction and wasn't strong enough to get himself free from the grasp. I didn't even know that Lamont could swim, but I wasn't surprised. He was smart enough to do just about anything!

Lamont was the happiest little boy that I ever knew and I was priviledged to call him my brother.
He loved to play baseball and was part of a little league team.  When he would be outside in the yard playing , it sounded as though he had the whole team out there with him, plus the crowd, but it would be only Lamont, by himself acting out EVERY position, changing his voice accordingly and having a BLAST! It would catch me off guard every time he became the 'crowd'. He would cheer so loud and aggressively that I would often have to double check to make sure he was really by himself.
My brother. My dear, sweet, happy brother. Gone toooo soon. I truly miss him so. I ache for him.

My Reality

As I sat on the old rustic radiator in the living room and looked out the multi-paned window, I felt but didn't feel. Breathing, but barely.  I was hoping and crazily praying that this was just a cruel, cruel joke and that Lamont was getting ready to get the biggest ass- kicking of his life from me, my brother and probably the whole entire family. This shit wasn't funny, not at all.  Time had slowly passed like a turtle who had lost his way out of the barley bushes.  I had somehow stopped existing for the moment. I could feel my breath going in and out, trying to race with my heart beat but barely keeping up. I had heard nothing, knew nothing and had seen no one, for what seemed to bean  eternity.  What is going on?, I thought to my self.  Please, somebody, anybody CALL!

 As this thought finished dancing through my tangled brain waves, the light blue rotary phone with the twisted phone cord began to scream off the goddam hook, piercingly louder and louder with each ring.  The deranged door bell suddenly rang at the same time.  I didn't know what to do first, or which one to answer.  I didn't want to do anything. I knew that answering the phone or opening the door could be life changing, or not.  As I picked up the phone and began walking to the door simultaneously, my fears had been forecasted and obeying in overwhelming pain. The voice on the phone squealed in agony and the I couldn't see who was at the door because my eyes were like a thick glass with oceans of tears escaping from the side, middle and corners. I was in an airy state, not wanting to feel life anymore because at that very, very moment it had managed to crush me to a very fine powder.

 My heart crumbled instantly and exploded on the inside over and over and over again.
The voice on the phone and the policeman at the door both confirmed at the same time, the death of Jason, my handsome nine year old, beautiful baby brother. What I knew to know to be good , decent and in order was gone. Life had showed up and this time showed the hell out beyond worldly imagination.  HE CAN'T BE GONE!, I screamed in disbelief. He just can't be gone! I just talked to him last night!, tears pouring from my eyes like a massive thunderstorm.  I just saw him yesterday. We played cards, I Declare War, it was his favorite game.  He told me that he loved me and that I was the best sister ever. I told him to shut up and play cards, but he wouldn't. He LOVED to talk. So I just let him talk. OH MY GOD, I Screamed, as my legs start to loose their holding strength. NOOOOO! PLEASE! Come on now, he was only nine! Babies are not suppose to die! It's not normal!

He was my baby brother! Oh, my heart. please, make it stop hurting!OH, it hearts so bad, SO BAD! PLEASE! PLEASE OFFICE, STOP LYING TO ME! PLEASE! MA! WHERE'S MY MOMMY! I'M NOT FINISHED BEING HIS SISTER. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! SO MUCH! I screamed and I  realized that my legs had given up their support and had now placed me softly on the floor, kneeling at the officers foot, in complete and painful nothingness. I continued to scream, cry and yell for my mommy.   It hurts SOOOOO bad! Please somebody, It hurts so bad! OHHHH MY GOD! I CAN'T BREATHE, I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE ! I WANT TO SEE MY BROTHER! JASON! I squealed. JASON , OH SWEET JASON! I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SORRY THAT I COULDN'T SAVE YOU! OOOOOOH MY GOD, HELP ME! I cried and cried. I lost all of my strength and knelt there on the floor, helpless, hopeless and completely devastated, probably forever.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Chapter 1 - Jason

The multi-paned windows in the airy living room were gently slung open with the rusted screens tightly attached, allowing for a brisk and mild existence of a summer breeze to slowly escape inward, but not being very purposeful or of great satisfaction.  It was the hottest day of July in the summer of 1982. At an easygoing and fragile 15 years of age, there was not much selected for me do during the summer months besides use my creative imagination to the fullest extent. I would play jacks and ball, or just peek in the mirror constantly at this body that I failed to recognize anymore, looking curvy and pronounced, as if I borrowed it from grown folks.
This day, yes THIS day would be quite different from all of the other days, ever. This day right here would change the lazy,fun, and mindless moments of summer that I used to embrace, forever.  As I bounce around the house in my over-sized house coat, having a
'who cares' kind of a moment, the door bell rang its' crazy, dragged out tone but somehow sounded so intentional.  I hurried to the door and peeked out the smallest of the six windows.

I could see a rather small boy figure with huge, red yet excited eyes glaring at me with anxious behavior. He rang the door bell again but this time without stopping, as if to break it from its foundation.  When I finally realized that it was my youngest brother's best friend Lamont, I snatched the door open, ready to give him a piece of my mind for being so rude and without great patience.  Before I could twist my mouth to speak my hammering and stinging vocabulary to him, Lamont blurted out, stuttering and stupidly, your brother is dead man!
 He drowned, HE DROWNED!  He drowned at the pool, a few minutes ago!

I heard what he said but my Soul, Spirit and Being wouldn't receive such non-sense, especially from a disruptive child like Lamont.  Collecting myself, I tried to speak but he shouted again, so loud that all the neighborhood dogs stood up and began to bark in disciplined rhythm.  My knees buckled but I was too stubborn to fall, not interested in buying into this garbage, especially without more facts or a grown person's confirmation.  I heard myself saying, Lamont, I'm going to kick your little lying ass, this isn't funny!  Quit lying to me little boy! Don't play games like that.  I know your momma taught you bettah!  But the truth in his eyes refused to back down and I was forced to possibly believe him.

By this time, my brother Emanuel flew passed me and Lamont, grabbing his ten speed bike off the porch and rushing down three steep layers of cracking concrete steps ,to see if Lamont was indeed lying or, heaven forbid, telling the truuuth.  As he desperately petaled off, I heard him shout back that he was going to personally kick Lamont's ass if he had played  us for a family of desperate fools.
Lamont rushed behind on his 'barely making it' bike almost falling down the steps, trying to keep up.

The Day Before My Tomorrow


The Day Before My Tomorrow is an exaggeration of a true story with an added flavor of 'what if's'.
The story is based out of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, in a small  section of the city called the Hill District.
The story begins with a family tragedy that snowballs into other unravels of family shortcomings.
Through lots of applied trial and error, the family is able to eventually find somewhat of a stance, but never regains that so called 'unconditional bond'.  Years quickly pass and the family is faced yet again with the crinkled ghost of the lightly reserved past, and put to the ultimate test of forgiveness, if it indeed has an existence.  You decide.


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Thank you for joining my journey of thought, imagination, and raw BE-ing.
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