Wednesday, March 12, 2014

My Reality

As I sat on the old rustic radiator in the living room and looked out the multi-paned window, I felt but didn't feel. Breathing, but barely.  I was hoping and crazily praying that this was just a cruel, cruel joke and that Lamont was getting ready to get the biggest ass- kicking of his life from me, my brother and probably the whole entire family. This shit wasn't funny, not at all.  Time had slowly passed like a turtle who had lost his way out of the barley bushes.  I had somehow stopped existing for the moment. I could feel my breath going in and out, trying to race with my heart beat but barely keeping up. I had heard nothing, knew nothing and had seen no one, for what seemed to bean  eternity.  What is going on?, I thought to my self.  Please, somebody, anybody CALL!

 As this thought finished dancing through my tangled brain waves, the light blue rotary phone with the twisted phone cord began to scream off the goddam hook, piercingly louder and louder with each ring.  The deranged door bell suddenly rang at the same time.  I didn't know what to do first, or which one to answer.  I didn't want to do anything. I knew that answering the phone or opening the door could be life changing, or not.  As I picked up the phone and began walking to the door simultaneously, my fears had been forecasted and obeying in overwhelming pain. The voice on the phone squealed in agony and the I couldn't see who was at the door because my eyes were like a thick glass with oceans of tears escaping from the side, middle and corners. I was in an airy state, not wanting to feel life anymore because at that very, very moment it had managed to crush me to a very fine powder.

 My heart crumbled instantly and exploded on the inside over and over and over again.
The voice on the phone and the policeman at the door both confirmed at the same time, the death of Jason, my handsome nine year old, beautiful baby brother. What I knew to know to be good , decent and in order was gone. Life had showed up and this time showed the hell out beyond worldly imagination.  HE CAN'T BE GONE!, I screamed in disbelief. He just can't be gone! I just talked to him last night!, tears pouring from my eyes like a massive thunderstorm.  I just saw him yesterday. We played cards, I Declare War, it was his favorite game.  He told me that he loved me and that I was the best sister ever. I told him to shut up and play cards, but he wouldn't. He LOVED to talk. So I just let him talk. OH MY GOD, I Screamed, as my legs start to loose their holding strength. NOOOOO! PLEASE! Come on now, he was only nine! Babies are not suppose to die! It's not normal!

He was my baby brother! Oh, my heart. please, make it stop hurting!OH, it hearts so bad, SO BAD! PLEASE! PLEASE OFFICE, STOP LYING TO ME! PLEASE! MA! WHERE'S MY MOMMY! I'M NOT FINISHED BEING HIS SISTER. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! SO MUCH! I screamed and I  realized that my legs had given up their support and had now placed me softly on the floor, kneeling at the officers foot, in complete and painful nothingness. I continued to scream, cry and yell for my mommy.   It hurts SOOOOO bad! Please somebody, It hurts so bad! OHHHH MY GOD! I CAN'T BREATHE, I DON'T WANT TO BREATHE ! I WANT TO SEE MY BROTHER! JASON! I squealed. JASON , OH SWEET JASON! I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SORRY THAT I COULDN'T SAVE YOU! OOOOOOH MY GOD, HELP ME! I cried and cried. I lost all of my strength and knelt there on the floor, helpless, hopeless and completely devastated, probably forever.

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